I lay my eternal curse on whomsoever shall now or at any time hereafter make schoolbooks of my works and make me hated as Shakespeare is hated. My plays were not designed as instruments of torture. All the schools that lust after them get this answer, and will never get any other.

Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.

Wise kings wear shabby clothes, and leave the gold lace to the drum major.

[Man] progresses in all things by making a fool of himself.

I don't. I look my age; and I am my age. It is the other people who look older than they are. What can you expect from people who eat corpses and drink spirits?

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

Newspaper : A device unable to distinguish between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilisation.