You sometimes have to answer a woman according to her womanliness, just as you have to answer a fool according to his folly.

Set me anything to do as a task, and it is inconceivable the desire I have to do something else.

Thus, I blush to add, you can not be a philosopher and a good man, though you may be a philosopher and a great one.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

All religions begin with a revolt against morality, and perish when morality conquers them.

I lay my eternal curse on whomsoever shall now or at any time hereafter make schoolbooks of my works and make me hated as Shakespeare is hated. My plays were not designed as instruments of torture. All the schools that lust after them get this answer, and will never get any other.

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.