At my age flowers scare me.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.