At my age flowers scare me.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Life's but a day at most.