At my age flowers scare me.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.