When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.