When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

At my age flowers scare me.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.