Life's but a day at most.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.