I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.