By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down.

We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.