If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

What year did Jesus think it was?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.