Let me get a sip of water here... you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.

I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved - to teach it, probably, Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there a good language gene, which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.