In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.