In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.