In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

We are all precancerous.