In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.