In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.