So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.