More people write poetry than read it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.