Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.