Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

If anyone e-mails you something "by George Carlin," there's a 99 percent chance I did not write it. I didn't write "Paradox Of Our Time." I didn't write "George Carlin On Aging." I didn't write a eulogy for my wife after she died. I didn't write the New Orleans thing. I didn't write "I Am A Bad American." None of them. You know what I've decided to do? I'm going to get a little cheap put-it-together-yourself website called NotMe.com.

I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.