Meow” means “woof” in cat.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.