Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.