Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.