My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.

When I first heard about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I thought, no. This, this is ridiculous. And then you read the script and you close the script and you go, "They aren't going to be able to do that with real dogs. How are they going to do that?" You're going to see the strings. But they did.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

I got a pain in my chest, and I can't breathe

I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic.