The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!