When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.

By the time I was 11, I wanted to be a comedian. So all those years later, I've managed to achieve my dream as a kid, and it wasn't easy. I'm on the [Hollywood] Walk of Fame and I'm one of the 25 most influential Hispanics in America, according to Time Magazine. I think my duty is to go back and tell kids, 'Whatever color you are, wherever you come from, anything and everything is possible.' And I'm living proof.

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, 'What should I wear tonight?' 'I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?'

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!