I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

A Dodger uniform just doesn't look good with a cummerbund.

I can never do nothing in this house!

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.