If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!

Laughter survives... it has to survive.

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.