I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

I'm not afraid to take on somebody or say something that somebody will find offensive because unfortunately in comedy, you can't say anything really good without offending somebody.

If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.