I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!

If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I'm never lonely.