Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'