The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.