The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.