Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.

You can say "ass," but you can't say "asshole." That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an "ass." Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.

I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.

You never know what people will choose to be offended by.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did.

With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.