A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

With me, traveling for work is arriving at the airport, checking into the hotel, leaving the hotel the next morning at 4 or 5 to do something like 'The Jimmy and Jackie Captain Crazy Morning Zoo,' doing a bunch of those in a row, then going back to the hotel, and then finally going to the club.

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.