You already have one asshole, you don't need another one

..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: They don’t break up with you.