There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would.