You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep.

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.