When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.