When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.