I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.

I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.