Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And it sounds cynical because you guys are young and you're full with life. I want you to understand - this is it. You have nothing to look forward to because you're peaking. If you're not having fun now, kill yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, just - it's not worth it to go forward.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.