Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.