Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.