The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.