I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.