I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.