They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go into the economy. Here's what we found out - rich people, really good at keeping all the money. That's how they got rich. If you want it in the economy, give it to the poor people. You know what they're really good at? Spending all their money.