Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.