Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.

I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.