The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.