The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?