I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.