Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.