My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.

I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.