Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'

When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.