How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

A good joke provides tension, and then, release of that tension. You build the tension by saying things that are controversial. The release is the laugh. The bigger the surprise or insight in your joke, the bigger the laugh.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.