The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."