The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!