Some people say Larry the Cable Guy's only successful because he's pandering to the lowest common denominator, blatantly and not ironically exploiting people's racist and homophobic tendencies. Don't listen to these people, Larry. They're just bitter and jealous and right.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.