Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.