The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

If I drive my SUV I'm supporting terrorism. Okay, I'll take a taxi, Is that better?

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?