When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.

Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.