Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.