Ice-T is so old that the first thing he bought with the money from his album sales was his freedom.

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.